Kilroy Was Here
January 21, 2003
College Exams Are Killing Grandmothers!
It has recently been brought to my attention that college exams are killing grandmothers! According to a detailed study at Eastern Connecticut State University, Mike Adams has discovered that a "student's grandmother is far more likely to die suddenly just before the student takes an exam, than at any other time of the year."
Furthermore, the lower a student's current grade, the more likely an exam is to induce death. According to Adams, only one conclusion can be drawn:
Family members literally worry themselves to death over the outcome of their relatives' performance on each exam.
Obviously, we must quickly implement solutions to stop this epidemic of grandmother deaths. Three possible policies proposed by Adams:
- Stop giving exams.
- Allow only orphans to enroll at university.
- Have students lie to their families. Students must pretend they are in the armed forces, have joined some religious cult, or have been kidnapped by aliens. All of these alternate explanations for their long absences will keep the family ignorant of the true, dangerous, fact.
Write your congressman, today!
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